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Recent negative portrayals in the American media have led to
an unprecedented backlash in this country against your average, everyday, 9-to-5 ninja. As a result, many of us hardworking
ninjas have been forced to go underground, hiding our heritage, our training and our very ways of life. If you find yourself
in this position, here are a few helpful tips that will aid you in hiding the fact that you are a master of the black arts
from your co-workers.
Step One: Solve Problems With Your Mind Instead Of Your Nunchakus
While
nunchakus are a time-honoured tradition of dispute settlement among the ninja, their use is usually discouraged in the typical
American office. The next time someone steals your stapler or eats your lunch from the office refrigerator, try saying a few
friendly, but firm, words to them instead of smashing their skull with your nunchakus.
Step Two: Try Using Office Items For Their Intended Purposes
As you are
well aware, one of the greatest skills of the ninja is the ability to turn any ordinary item into a lethal weapon. However,
years of doing so can cause the practitioner to forget the uses that said items were created for in the first place. For instance,
did you know that, as well as making a delightful eye stabbing and handcuff-unlocking tool, a paperclip can be used to hold
groups of paper together? Were you aware that pens might be used to write messages on paper, as well as for projectile weapons?
Step Three: Cut Down On The Target Practice
While throwing shuriken (throwing stars for non-ninjas) at every moving object that happens by your desk is a highly
esteemed tradition in most Shoaling office environments, the practice is considered rude in America. Work on your target practice
in the privacy of your own home. Not only will your true identity remain concealed, you might even make more friends at your
company!
Step Four: Instead Of A Smoke
Bomb, Try Saying Goodbye
I know it's a hard habit to break, but it really isn't necessary to disappear every time
you leave for the day or go to the bathroom. Instead, try saying "Goodbye" or one of the popular variations, like "See you
later," before walking out the door. It's not as dramatic, but these are tough times for the American ninja, and we all must
make sacrifices.
Step Five: Walk Through
The Office
While using your ninja claws, foot spikes and grappling hooks to move throughout your office is surely
the most graceful and efficient mode of transportation, it also happens to be a sure-fire way to alert your co-workers that
you are a ninja. Try walking around on the floor, like everyone else. Remember that you needn't to sneak around either; watch
how your co-workers walk and follow suit.
Step
Six: When In America, Dress Like An American
While you would definitely feel more comfortable in a jet-black ninja
jutte and two-toed Tabi boots, most ninjas find they are better able to blend into the typical American workplace when they
wear shirts and ties. You won't be able to sneak up on your prey as easily, but then again, that is exactly the kind of behaviour
you might be better off without.
Step Seven:
Ritual Suicide Is A Big No-No
As a practitioner of the ancient art of ninjitsu, this one is going to be the toughest.
The next time someone shames you by walking into the stall when you are having a bowel movement, or a rival company betters
your boss in business, you must not commit ritual suicide. Though it goes against every instinct in your body, try simply
getting drunk or being loud and irritable like most other Americans do.
Congratulations! If you have fully utilised
all of these helpful tips, your co-workers probably have no idea that you are a ninja.
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