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 Dear T'Nuk,
You
are so sexy and cool. I am your No. 1 fan. Without you, the universe would be a dank hellhole and I would kill myself in the
most painful way possible. If I were to start a religion about you, how would you like me to address you in my prayers?
Most
humbly yours,
Wild-eyed drooling fan #1!!!
Dear
Wild-eyed,
Sweetie, I get so many letters like this every day that it's impossible to answer them all. However, my
perfection truly does require worship, and I'm glad you have joined the millions of others who know it.
To answer your
question, I prefer to be addressed as "Her Most Radiant and All-Powerful Majesty, Goddess of Beauty," but a simple "Goddess"
will do in a pinch. Certain selected variations may be deemed acceptable on a case-by-case basis.
If you're ever in
the neighborhood, send me a special prayer and an offering of Little Dipper Dollies. Maybe then I'll deign to let you stop
in and lick my hooves clean with your profoundly unworthy tongue.
Sincerely,
T'Nuk, Her Most Radiant and All-Powerful Majesty, Goddess of Beauty
Dear T'Nuk,
Without
your column, I wouldn't know how to live my life. My question is, what should I do on days when I'm not able to read your
column? How do I go on?
Sincerely,
Desperate on Uranus
Dear Desperate,
There really is no point in getting out of bed on those days, honey. Just keep
your head under the covers and try not to drown in your own tears. Good luck.
Sincerely,
T'Nuk, Resplendent Goddess of Beauty and Majestic Mistress of Pain
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